Long time, no post. I'm more of a facebooker these days. I'm freakin' addicted to it, and I haven't felt like writing much. It hurts to look inside most of the time.
Hopefully this summer I can change that.
So last Wednesday Troy, my best friend of the last 7+ years, decided we should no longer be friends. Not that we had a fight, not that there was much wrong (I thought) but because I had planned a surprise birthday for his 40th and he found out about it.
Yes, silly me. I was trying to do something NICE for the man. As usual, it backfired on me. Once he found out he was furious (he hates surprises but constantly tells me one thing and does another).
Then he said he understood my intentions were good. I hadn't seen or spoken to him much since he took a new job in Coon Rapids as the service manager of the Hitching Post.
Out of the blue last Wednesday he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again and wanted to make that permanent.
If this were any other time or place I probably would've contested it until he gave in. I have argued my case, begged forgiveness and done whatever it took to be ok again. I wouldn't have eaten or slept for days and would have had anxiety thinking how my life could possibly go on without him.
This time is sooooo different! Maybe it's that I've HAD IT with catering to someone who really couldn't care less about all the times I helped him out. Maybe it's that he stole all the money I gave him to put into our bank account. (I mean the account was for both of us but he told me he put the money in and never asked to take it out.) Maybe I've had it with his whining, his belief that he's gay and how he rubs it in my face all the time.
I've had it with the constant double standards and two-facedness.
I've soooo HAD IT!!! In a rare move I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him again- but still want the thousands of dollars he owes me. It's been tragic to see him become everything he once said he hated. A fag, a mooch, a total ingrate. (this may be some repressed anger talking here) .
Do I still love him? Absolutely. But I finally love him enough to completely let him go. I've realized I can't help him anymore, I can't fight his battles. Finally I find myself worth enough to fight for. I've given myself permission to be selfish.
What a liberaton! No longer do I have that overwhelming anxiety about what will happen to me without him. i've adopted an "I don't care" attitude. In truth I DO care but I can't dwell on what's happened and still move forward.
For the first time in 7 years I can see my life as being happy with someone I haven't even met yet. Even though I'm now 31, I still hope that I will meet some great guy and have kids. First i have to meet great guy. With my age and hormone problems and PCOS, it looks like conceiving will be a VERY VERY rocky road so this guy will have to be great because it's going to be an uberstressful time in our lives.
Part of me also feels like giving up and feels I'm too old to meet, get to know, and marry someone this late in life. I can't tell you how many days I feel like I should just join a convent and devote my life to service and prayer and permanently eschew all men. It feels like what I "Should" do but not what's deep in my heart.
I've been preying so much to God for him to keep me from tipping over into the depths of bitterness and despair. I've resolved myself to have an attitude of "Let's take life by the balls!" for the summer. I figure if I can get through the summer without Troy I'll be able to really push my life forward and meet new people.
I've planned lots of fun activities. I'm actually taking a REAL vacation out in Vancouver. I'm already overwhelmed by all the stuff going on this summer :)
Good luck to me.
Step one: Going to the cabin tomorrow for the weekend. Can I hold my tongue or do I let loose on my aunt and cousin about how I'm not going to enable them either and they can not ask me for favors 'til they pull their own lives together....... trust me- long, long story. But I would be well within my rights to tell them to GROW UP!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Weird Dreams
It's coming down to the home stretch and I'm very ready for a break. I was pretty disheartened that I found out I have to take another class next semester. Fortunately, the application deadline is July 31st, not January 31st as I'd originally thought.
God's been pretty good about that timing.......
For the last few weeks I've been mentally burnt out. I can't study, I can't read articles for research. My brain literally doesn't allow me to take in anything, let alone retain it.
For the most part, I've still been doing well hanging about 92% in both my classes and wishing i was at least at 95% or better.
Except for small group and my little free time being spent with TroyVolta, I've been pretty socially isolated. I know I wouldn't be able to handle big crowds but I'm seriously lacking in and craving intimacy.
Sure, Troy and I have a pretty solid friendship but he's so unpredictable that I find myself holding back and tip toing around. Lately he's been pretty good about giving me his time yet I'm conflicted because 1. I feel that it's still not enough and 2. I want to not get too close because when I do (as I have) I have a really hard time keeping my romantic feelings for him at bay.
They may be buried feelings but they're not buried that deep.
Also when I'm tired I tend to be a drama queen and I get depressed- REALLY depressed like envision myself drinking cyanide depressed.
I don't know if it's hormonal or long-term stress or all of the above but everything starts getting to me and I go off so easily.
Anyway, the last couple nights I've had some funny dreams involving people who are friends but who I don't spend a lot of time with.
2 nights ago I dreamt I wsa sitting in a circle with a bunch of friends and my friend Todd (who I have a crush on anyway) spontaneously comes over to me, grabs my foot which has a white stocking on it and starts massaging it. It was nice, but awkward.
Last night I kept dreaming about a t-shirt and that shirt had the name KEVIN on it...... I kept thinking about Kevin Sawyer and how we must've gotten our t-shirts mixed up.
I thought this was interesting as I googled dream analysis:
T-Shirt
"To see or wear a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. Alternatively it may represent your honesty especially in your personal relationships. Consider also if there is a design or saying on the t-shirt. "
I wonder what the name on the shirt might mean.....
As much as I've studied dreams I wish I was better at interpreting them.
Apparently massage as with the foot massage means I'm lacking sensual or sexual stimulation or that I need to take better care of my body.
Probably right on both counts.........
God's been pretty good about that timing.......
For the last few weeks I've been mentally burnt out. I can't study, I can't read articles for research. My brain literally doesn't allow me to take in anything, let alone retain it.
For the most part, I've still been doing well hanging about 92% in both my classes and wishing i was at least at 95% or better.
Except for small group and my little free time being spent with TroyVolta, I've been pretty socially isolated. I know I wouldn't be able to handle big crowds but I'm seriously lacking in and craving intimacy.
Sure, Troy and I have a pretty solid friendship but he's so unpredictable that I find myself holding back and tip toing around. Lately he's been pretty good about giving me his time yet I'm conflicted because 1. I feel that it's still not enough and 2. I want to not get too close because when I do (as I have) I have a really hard time keeping my romantic feelings for him at bay.
They may be buried feelings but they're not buried that deep.
Also when I'm tired I tend to be a drama queen and I get depressed- REALLY depressed like envision myself drinking cyanide depressed.
I don't know if it's hormonal or long-term stress or all of the above but everything starts getting to me and I go off so easily.
Anyway, the last couple nights I've had some funny dreams involving people who are friends but who I don't spend a lot of time with.
2 nights ago I dreamt I wsa sitting in a circle with a bunch of friends and my friend Todd (who I have a crush on anyway) spontaneously comes over to me, grabs my foot which has a white stocking on it and starts massaging it. It was nice, but awkward.
Last night I kept dreaming about a t-shirt and that shirt had the name KEVIN on it...... I kept thinking about Kevin Sawyer and how we must've gotten our t-shirts mixed up.
I thought this was interesting as I googled dream analysis:
T-Shirt
"To see or wear a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. Alternatively it may represent your honesty especially in your personal relationships. Consider also if there is a design or saying on the t-shirt. "
I wonder what the name on the shirt might mean.....
As much as I've studied dreams I wish I was better at interpreting them.
Apparently massage as with the foot massage means I'm lacking sensual or sexual stimulation or that I need to take better care of my body.
Probably right on both counts.........
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Mary Poppins is Full of Crap!
A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down indeed......
Lately I've been under some considerable stress. I work about 42 hours a week and I go to school one class shy of full-time. I'm the secretary of my bowling league and I joined a small group this year.
It's no wonder then that I've been slowly stepping up on some stress eating. I make conscious efforts to eat moderately- sort of healthy. In an on the go-go-go---keep going-go some more lifestyle it's hard to plan ahead for meals and if I do prep, to keep them cold.
I feel the fat rolls around my stomach sloshing around in contentment more and more each day. I decided to turn to America's doctor- the internet via Google to see what there was to say about combating stress eating.
"Rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol spur increases in appetite, especially for carbohydrates and fat"
"Use your mind. Examine and reassess feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat. Practice "thought stopping": The minute a negative thought arises, raise a stop sign in your mind and say, "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." This introduces hope - the antidote to stress - into the situation."
Yes, I'm unconsciously eating while watching my favorite shows in the hour I get before bed. But I'm going to meditate on my processes here. "Why amd I eating? Hmmm I have that exam coming up Monday and a reasarch paper due the same time. I don't feel prepared. I didn't do as well as I wanted on the last test. The future of my life depends on how well I do in these classes.......... NO WAY!!!! Did I totally just eat a WHOLE BAG of Doritos??????!!!"
Ok, that's not going to work.
"Get crunch without calories. If you must munch, eat baby carrots or celery sticks. Include protein. It satisfies longer and helps kill carb cravings. Pump up your raw-veggie snack with some lowfat cheese, for example."
Hmmm, I have this full bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me....but I could get up and go to the fridge for my carrots and dip........ too messy, too cold...... maybe on the next commercial...... yeah those peanut butter cups are closer and I feel more satisfied when I eat them. Give me more!
"Avoid alcohol. It often leads to out-of-control eating and disturbed sleep"
Surprisingly, alcohol doesn't seem to effect me much. Lately it wakes me up more than coffee does but I generally do not eat if I'm drinking alcohol. There's no room left in my tummy and I have no problem falling asleep- EVER (unless i'm fighting with my best friend)
"Take vitamins. A daily multivitamin and a B-complex supplement can help fight stress."
I already do this.
While vitamins provide marginally more energy it really isn't much and I don't feel their stress fighting power.
"Writing down what you eat as you eat it is a proven weight-loss \strategy because it makes you more aware of what and how much you're putting into your mouth"
I'm pretty good at paying attention to what and how much I eat- even BLTS (bites, licks and tastes). I just don't care. Apathy takes over. I'm stressed I want my junk food. I'l go Chuck Norris on your ass if you get in my way.
After I binge I feel guilty but the stress is lower.
Bohemian revolution has some better advice like not keeping bad snacks where you get stressed. I do keep dried fruit and light snacks in my desk. I refuse to buy doritos except a tiny bag at lunch sometimes.
I think I'm screwed for awhile though.
I've gone from 1% to skim milk. Rich cocoa to milk chocolate, pop is rare (unless i'm with my BFF)
I try to walk more but I can't remember the last time I was out of breath from exercising instead of out of breath from asthma.
2 more months....... maybe then I can break the cycle...... (did I just eat the rest of that loaf of banana bread????!!!) YUMMY... :)
Lately I've been under some considerable stress. I work about 42 hours a week and I go to school one class shy of full-time. I'm the secretary of my bowling league and I joined a small group this year.
It's no wonder then that I've been slowly stepping up on some stress eating. I make conscious efforts to eat moderately- sort of healthy. In an on the go-go-go---keep going-go some more lifestyle it's hard to plan ahead for meals and if I do prep, to keep them cold.
I feel the fat rolls around my stomach sloshing around in contentment more and more each day. I decided to turn to America's doctor- the internet via Google to see what there was to say about combating stress eating.
"Rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol spur increases in appetite, especially for carbohydrates and fat"
"Use your mind. Examine and reassess feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat. Practice "thought stopping": The minute a negative thought arises, raise a stop sign in your mind and say, "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." This introduces hope - the antidote to stress - into the situation."
Yes, I'm unconsciously eating while watching my favorite shows in the hour I get before bed. But I'm going to meditate on my processes here. "Why amd I eating? Hmmm I have that exam coming up Monday and a reasarch paper due the same time. I don't feel prepared. I didn't do as well as I wanted on the last test. The future of my life depends on how well I do in these classes.......... NO WAY!!!! Did I totally just eat a WHOLE BAG of Doritos??????!!!"
Ok, that's not going to work.
"Get crunch without calories. If you must munch, eat baby carrots or celery sticks. Include protein. It satisfies longer and helps kill carb cravings. Pump up your raw-veggie snack with some lowfat cheese, for example."
Hmmm, I have this full bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me....but I could get up and go to the fridge for my carrots and dip........ too messy, too cold...... maybe on the next commercial...... yeah those peanut butter cups are closer and I feel more satisfied when I eat them. Give me more!
"Avoid alcohol. It often leads to out-of-control eating and disturbed sleep"
Surprisingly, alcohol doesn't seem to effect me much. Lately it wakes me up more than coffee does but I generally do not eat if I'm drinking alcohol. There's no room left in my tummy and I have no problem falling asleep- EVER (unless i'm fighting with my best friend)
"Take vitamins. A daily multivitamin and a B-complex supplement can help fight stress."
I already do this.
While vitamins provide marginally more energy it really isn't much and I don't feel their stress fighting power.
"Writing down what you eat as you eat it is a proven weight-loss \strategy because it makes you more aware of what and how much you're putting into your mouth"
I'm pretty good at paying attention to what and how much I eat- even BLTS (bites, licks and tastes). I just don't care. Apathy takes over. I'm stressed I want my junk food. I'l go Chuck Norris on your ass if you get in my way.
After I binge I feel guilty but the stress is lower.
Bohemian revolution has some better advice like not keeping bad snacks where you get stressed. I do keep dried fruit and light snacks in my desk. I refuse to buy doritos except a tiny bag at lunch sometimes.
I think I'm screwed for awhile though.
I've gone from 1% to skim milk. Rich cocoa to milk chocolate, pop is rare (unless i'm with my BFF)
I try to walk more but I can't remember the last time I was out of breath from exercising instead of out of breath from asthma.
2 more months....... maybe then I can break the cycle...... (did I just eat the rest of that loaf of banana bread????!!!) YUMMY... :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Latest Update
At Last: Some wedding pics. I still have to filter thru them all. Of course as I just put these up now; one month and one day after the wedding I found out I'm already going to be an aunt in May.
Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)
This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....
Talk about a fast honeymoon! I'm still getting used to the idea of my sister being married let alone being a mom.....and she's so domestically challenged. I have to say she's gotten better but with a kid she won't be able to eat out all the time. Better start learning how to use those dishes! :)
This picture is noteworthy because on the right you have my uncle Jerry and on the left you have my brother Tim. When TIm was little, the hightlight of family gatherings was Jerry using a pressure point on my brother's hand to make him bark like a dog. Tim's a little bigger now....
Here are 2 of my cousins, one from each side of the family. Alyssa and Jenna.
The obligatory family shot. How I got the short, fat gene I'll never know....
The rest I'll leave you to digest.
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